It had been happening for some time. Someone will send me a private message stating a problem with breastfeeding and ends the conversation with a question along the line of “how can I fix ___________?”
I will attempt to troubleshoot the situation, ask a bunch of questions, and then provide a considered answer that might be a possible solution to the problem. I am genuinely concerned because 1. I wish that women who wish to breastfeed will succeed and I hope to provide that support 2. You’re a friend and you came looking for me 3. You asked, so I answered.
Straight forward enough right?
But more and more so, I have come to realize that nobody really needs an answer from me. Either I did not answer in a “correct” way, or the other person does not like my answer.
It has become so frustrating lately that I have grown to become cautious whenever someone queries about breastfeeding issues. I am terribly afraid that I will waste a beautiful morning answering questions and then realizing that my answers fall on deaf ears. Unbeknownst to me, the person who asked the question is also asking a whole bunch of idiots out there (most times it’s a random query post on whatever support groups they are on in Facebook). I found out because it came up in another conversation. I wanted to slap myself for wasting my time to answer her questions!
My pride cannot take another beating.
I consider my answers to be considered, relevant and generally accurate because I feel the weight of responsibility when answering breastfeeding questions. So often, mothers are led down the wrong path and had to stop breastfeeding because the advice offered was quack. I am no medical doctor, but at the very least I am aware of the consequences of my answers to the breastfeeding mother and her nursing child and thus I do my research before I provide answers.
But more often than not, my advice gets pushed aside, and the asker does something I know to be completely wrong and ta-dah a morning wasted and another bruise to my ego.
WHY? I am more educated than most, I have research skills that most are not trained in and I have been breastfeeding for 28 months now, even tandem nursing. Shouldn’t I earn some street cred for that?
After an afternoon of soul searching, I realized that perhaps the way I raise my children is quack to many people. To many of my friends in Singapore, my life is probably pure hardship. In the days following the birth of their child, many Singapore mothers rest. They hire a Confinement Lady who helps them carry the baby, cook a special diet and tend to baby’s needs (anything besides nursing is the Confinement Lady’s job). They do not co-sleep because the baby is in someone else’s arms at night. They do not understand on-demand nursing because the true nature of it is that mother and child needs to be together so that the baby/mother is in synch. On-demand nursing is so much more than just timing the feeds to baby’s needs. They swaddle the baby in 90s tropical heat and swaddling makes babies sleep longer and miss hunger cues.
There are so many intricacies that make on-demand breastfeeding successful and amongst them, the most important is the belief that the mother has enough milk for her child. You allow the child to suckle to up your supply, you do not introduce artificial devices like pacifiers/bottles/pumps to confuse the newborn at the earlier stage when the baby is learning to nurse and your body is trying to establish supply. You do not doubt your body. You do not doubt your child’s ability to survive. You bond with your child through the unique breastfeeding moments. You hold your child. You sleep with your child. You wake with your child. Hence, it is the fourth trimester. The baby is no longer in you, but the baby is still bonded to you.
How many women can/want to do that? With all the help that my friends in Singapore are getting, I wonder if they realized that they had unwittingly given up some of the most precious and important bonding times with their newborn.
I have no doubt that they are more rested and have an easier post-partum recovery period than I. And perhaps this is why they do not listen to me.
I have no problem with them raising their kids differently or opting a different post-partum regime. What I am irate about is that they want to ask me endless questions and then turn around and listen to unverified/stupid heresay. I object to them wasting my time!
Then why are they still asking me idiotic questions when they are not looking for my answers?
Because they are askholes.
I am determined to identify these askholes and from today on, I will refuse to answer any breastfeeding questions from askholes. They are wasting my time and putting a sour taste on our relationship.
How can you tell if you have askholes in your life? If s/he
- keeps coming to you and asking the same question but never makes a change that takes into account your suggestions
- seldom agrees on certain topics but you get a sense that s/he keeps wanting to change your mind when you see it as a choice you made that is not up for discussion
- criticizes all your responses or is defensive about your suggestions
If you see any or all of the above signs, you give an emoticon or you say “hahaha” and then you go enjoy your cuppa joe. Trying to correct their “quack” ideas is futile. To you, they’re quack. To them, you’re quack. It is best to leave it and go about your day.
JT Unsolicited Advice 