And therefore, your primary role should be a wife? Not quite the same. Your primary role and your primary relationship are separate. Sometimes they are in sync, sometimes they aren’t. And it’s okay either ways. And therein lies the confusion. Hear me out.
Roles are constantly in flux and many women forget that we are concurrently a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend etc. Roles are not exclusive. It doesn’t mean that because you are more of a mother at this stage of your life now, you are no longer a daughter or a friend. Roles change from year to year, from month to month, from day to day, even from minute to minute.
We just welcomed our youngest two months ago, and naturally, my days are taken up from caring for her, babywearing her and nursing her. On top of that, our two-year-old baby girl demands my attention as she explores her world with enthusiasm and zest (read: crazy toddler needs mommy). On any given day, I perform several roles. For example, I mediate conflicts (who gets to nurse on which breasts), and I secure resources (are we low on wet wipes?). My parents are also here to help me juggle these post-partum days, and so I have to take into account their needs as well. Pelvic pain versus taking them to see the fireworks on Labor day…They’re only here for 90 days. Fireworks 1 Pelvic Pain 0. We go see the fireworks but I minimize movements.
Does that sound like your kind of day mama? Are you constantly negotiating your needs versus someone else’s needs? Do you feel like you wear several hats throughout the day? Sometimes even wearing several hats all at once?
And so, where is your husband amidst all of this chaos?
In these post-partum stupor, harsh words are regularly exchanged between the husband and I. Thankfully he is a generous man with the memory of a goldfish, so he doesn’t take what I say to heart (and he shouldn’t because I don’t even remember any of it). It is not easy to prioritize my relationship with my husband at this time because I feel pulled in several different directions every day. Obligations, responsibilities and tasks are all heavily weighing on our shoulders. Who has time to examine their marital relationships?
Often I find myself wanting him to step up his act and help out more. But I do not examine the ways in which I ask for his help. Sometimes I forget that he is not just an extra pair of hands. He is my husband and the father of our children. The reason I am pulled in many different directions is because we decided that this is what we want our lives to become. So how did I get so caught up in this new life and became this pompous, drama queen who is demanding help without realizing that he too is as caught up in this new life as much as I am? And have I stopped to look at what he is up against?
The key to remember here is that: We are in this together.
What prompted this blog post was my husband relating to me that one of his co-workers commented that he has co-dependency issues when he talked about how much he enjoys spending time with his wife and kids. This co-worker, Rachel, continued to brag about how her husband and her are independent individuals who are happy to spend weekends on their own exploring individual interests.
My goodness! Since when did it become *co-dependency issues* when you want to spend time with your spouse? Is it so much better to spend weekends away from your spouse now? I wonder why she’s got her panties all twisted when she hears of another man proclaiming that he enjoys being with his wife. (Or maybe I really don’t want to know.)
My husband and I have our own time apart. Even when we don’t try to be apart, he spends hours at work, and I spend hours at work/at home without him. Plus now that we have two young children, it is even harder to get some kids free time. Naturally we gravitate towards each other when we can. That is the reason we even started a family in the first place! I love this man and I want to spend time with him. So does he. And now that’s too much and is a problem? Geez…
We solemnized our marriage in NYC and the judge who preceded over our marriage vows told us that our primary relationship should always be with each other. As long as we’re together, and we work on our relationship with each other, our family will stay together and that is the best gift we can give to our children. His words resonates with us even till this day.
So while we wear varied hats and feel like we have to accomplish a million things everyday, never forget that the reason we are kept so busy (and fulfilled) is because we made a commitment a long (or at least it seems like a long time) time ago to be with each other and have a family together.
Marriage vows are not just words said during fancy, beautiful weddings to elicit tears. On your craziest day dealing with toddler tantrums, spit ups, countless never ending tasks, try revisiting your marriage vows. Think back to the time when you would give up anything in the world to be married to your best friend and have a couple of rascals running around you. This was what you wanted all along. You might not see it today, but someday when you look back, it’ll all make sense.
And grab your honey and give him a big hug and a big kiss because he and you have a family together! How amazing is that?
And that’s all that matters in the end, isn’t it?
JT Unsolicited Advice 